Miscellany
RIP, Major Johnson
My friend Major Johnson recently lost his battle with pneumonia. He left this world far too soon (34 years old), leaving behind his beautiful new wife, and I will miss him.
photo by Aimée Huff
Random Bits
Trip Advisor 2007 Funniest Traveler Comments
Dog Breeders Issue Massive Recall of '07 Pugs
Trip Advisor 2007 Funniest Traveler Comments ( Jan 02, 2008)
Trip Advisor has issued a press release of their funniest traveler comments from 2007. My favorites:
"I could have done without the blood-stained mattress and the (actual) chunk of poop on my bedspread, but I didn't expect the Hilton."
"Time could be spent pondering over the meaning of some of the many safety signs around the complex. Out of the several we managed to identify, the two we found to be of greatest use were 1. Not to step on any crocodiles whilst bare foot, and 2. No ugly, or spotty children to frequent the pool."Read the entire press release here.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink lots of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Keep Life in PerspectiveAt age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is having friends.
At age 16, success is having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is having sex.
At age 35, success is having money.
At age 50, success is having money.
At age 60, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 80, success is having friends.
At age 90, success is not peeing your pants.
The Web site you seek..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
cannot be located,
but countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
but we never will,
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet!?
Her lips to my ear,
Aunt Esther whispers the name
of her friend's disease.
Today I'm a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.
Testing the warm milk
Upon her wrist, she sighs but:
Her son is forty.
The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my eating.
Without fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty.
Like a bonsai tree,
here at my dinner table,
your posture is terrible.
Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing one's child
is an internist.
Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.
The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.
The shivah visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.
Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.
Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.
Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh
Passover
Left the door open
for the Prophet Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.
Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!
Quietly murmured
at Saturday services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.
A lovely nose ring,
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.
Hard to tell under the lights.
White Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness.
